Marriage-Two Tics and No Dog
“I, the bride, take you…”
Right at the alter, the marriage relationship starts with a consumer mindset.
“I, the bride, take you the groom to be my…”
My what? What ever it is I'm looking for in a spouse. What I need in a relationship. I take you to meet my needs.
And finally, the pastor or priest says, “Do you take so and so to be your lawful wedded husband?”
The bride tears up, looks into her groom’s puppy dog eyes and says, “I do.” Because she is thinking, “ I believe you will love me the way I long to be loved.”
The groom says, “I do!” Because he believes he will be respected and supported in the decisions he makes.
The vows include for better or for worse. But seriously, if you thought your life would be worse, would you have gotten married? Of course not! The expectations are that your life will be better because your needs will be met. And here lies the problem, both people are expecting the other to meet their needs. We now have two tics and no dog!
The vows end with, “till death do us part.” We know, in approximately half the marriages, this is NOT death of the spouse. it is simply, death of a vision. By the time most couples seek help they are divorced in every way, but on paper. They are divided emotionally and physically because that vision and hope of having their needs met have gone up in smoke.
Dave and I are celebrating our 38th wedding anniversary only because I came to a new reality.
Philippians 4:19 says this, “And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” NKJV Expecting a Divine God to meet our needs can change a manipulative response into one of ministry. This new reality, that our needs are met in Christ Jesus, is a tremendously freeing principle in any relationship! In truth, my glass is full and I am able to pour freely into the lives of those around me, expecting nothing in return. Don’t get me wrong, I am like the next woman, I want to be loved in my marriage, but I cannot make it a goal. The goal is to love my husband with His unlimited and infinite resources. It is very sad for me to think how many of our 38 years were spent in emotional conflict. What changed? My motive. It was no longer my goal to be loved and have my needs met, but rather to look out for the needs of my husband, regardless of how he responded to me. I know this may come with its fair share of pain and rejection but that too can be met in Christ.
So what should the wedding vows say? Maybe something more like this:
Before God and these witnesses, today and in this moment, I enter into a covenant relationship with you. I lay down my selfish objectives at the foot of this alter in which we stand. I am relying on God to meet my needs and not you. I choose to love and minister to you sacrificially and selflessly as Christ has modeled for me. I am depending on God and His Holy Spirit working in me for divine and enduring love. His resources will be my principle guide. His ongoing forgiveness will be my motive.
May you see His likeness in me, beneath my flaws and failings, till my final breath and hour. I am committed to these vows before our loved ones today and they have my permission and the freedom to hold me accountable.
How thankful I am to God that He has singled me out for the unique role of being your wife (husband) and I get to spend a lifetime demonstrating His love for you.
