No Brick Standing~Sibling Rivalry
Two of the most beautiful words I have ever taught my kids to say to each another were, “Please stop.” I can still see this scene like it was yesterday, two of our sons were roughhousing and the youngest one leapt on the back of his brother and the older one said, “Please stop.” I stood and watched in the kitchen when he simply got off and they left the room together to go on to the next activity. I remember thinking
, “That is like background music!”
I loved watching them resolve their own conflicts without me! Of course, I had to lay down some extensive groundwork for that to happen. When they were very little my husband and I built a wall with Legos and put two action figures on either side. We asked the kids, “What is separating these two figures?” They of course said, “The wall.” Then we asked them, “What do we need to do with the wall?” “We need to tear it down!” They said ecstatically. As they proceeded to dismantle the wall, we shared that every unkind word, bite, grabbing a toy, screaming, pushing, etc., was like adding a brick that would separate them from each other. “We do not want even one brick standing between any of you.” We shared emphatically.
Bring it Home
Sibling rivalry means your children are interacting and that is good. but the more they are engaged, the more potential for conflict so we taught our kids to simply ask nicely one time, “Please stop” or “Please may I have that back.” And if the behavior was repeated, I was their advocate ALWAYS! The guilty party would be corrected immediately. In addition, if I heard any screaming or infighting they were both guilty and would be corrected immediately. I was on top of this and they learned very quickly it was always better to be the innocent party.
With our “no brick standing” policy, the guilty party always had to come back and make it right. All too often I see parents drag little Johnny over and demand that he apologize and without looking up, Johnny spews out, “SORRY!” Our kids had to make eye-contact and sincerely say, “I am sorry for________" (the offense).“Do you forgive me?” The offended sibling knew the correct response was always to forgive and usually it ended with a hug. I know there are emotions and feelings that can drag this to a different outcome but we taught our kids that feelings are neither right nor wrong; they are just there. And we would acknowledge their feelings. However, we would remind them, that they did have control over how they respond to their feelings. That was never more relevant than when we had visitors. Regardless of what other kids did, our children had to do what they knew was the right thing. We wanted them to attempt to have no brick standing, or a clear conscience with others as well.
I have become extremely passionate about this topic because I believe much of the violence among our children and teens today is the negative result of unresolved conflict. The positive result is the relationships our adult children have with each other and their spouses today. Siblings can share the tightest bond. They often share the longest history and a lifetime of support for one another. And the icing on the cake is that you are not worn out from sibling rivalry!
